I typed this entry for posting two weeks ago. I completely forgot the part where I have to remind myself to actually post it though.
In between the queries and the multiple windows and tabs I have open last night as I scoured for information that could help me understand more my assignment, I was struck by something unusual: how to keep my mind from flying all the time. Somehow, over the past months I’ve been noticing more how I’m getting easily distracted no matter what I do. Concentrate on something: mundane, personal, work-related and a few minutes later I’m lost in another thought. I realize this is an offshoot behavioral reaction from a mind activity I’ve learned years ago, where some teacher told of her own similar experience, which she does on the other hand to generate creative thought. It helps her a lot, as creativity is fuel for her work. It has no room for my case. I know this explains why people who know me get frustrated when I sometimes tend to not listen. For all those times, I could have been probably over-analyzing something that was said. I have been unknowingly doing it to myself and I have been losing myself all the time.
This isn’t an entry about lapses or a critic of my personal attitude, but is somewhat similar. I was stuck in a meeting a while ago, when suddenly, my mind started again to wander on its own. Everyone has his or her own case of something that would make them remember something from their childhood. This particularly uninteresting situation raised up during the meeting made me somehow remember this particular incident when I was in elementary. I remember always getting frustrated, and I also remember keeping thoughts to myself. It’s bizarre when I try to think of myself as a kid. I was described as a silent boy who could answer anything I was asked of. I didn’t talk much, and during exams they could only see me answering exams, with the only time I had to get my eyes off the paper is when I was actually finished. That would mean I barely forgot any answer that I was supposed to know. I also in a way grew up not actually having any chance or avenue to express my thoughts. I remember thinking, I’ll never forget everything I wanted to change as a kid, as when I’m already an adult, I can do them on my own. I couldn’t understand why my ideas won’t get accepted by adults. These cover a terribly wide array. I for instance, as a four year old, wanted to have specific toys, but I just couldn’t tell my parents even if they asked me. Or maybe, I’m just afraid that I’ll get rejected. Thus, I told myself that as a young child, when I grow up, when I have kids, I’ll get them those toys that I wanted for myself. I never thought though if they’d want it for themselves. That’s what parents always gets wrong.
Yes, as a kid, before seven, I always thought that grown-ups had a lot of things wrong. I had ideas that couldn’t wait. Ideas like, why couldn’t anyone fill Pinatubo’s crater with cement and end the problem forever? Some are silly, yet most make me sad. As I battle my increasing forgetfulness, I race to keep remembering these ideas. It saddens me that I’ve rusted so much I’m really just a figment of the glorious me that I saw decades ago when I was thinking that I was even pathetically mediocre.
